Tuesday, June 14, 2011
♥I'll let u go if u let me bite @ 9:29:00 PM

i'm listening to hazrul nizam kau segalanya song in repeat mode now on youtube. it's just that i've been "broken" for the past 2 days both physically and mentally.

On sunday, i had this kendarat event going on with my bubu safi at bukit gombak. its like a VIP wedding thing and all of the kendarat people are wearing black. The event was huge. it has 4000 guests including ministers. even i was new in this al-ansar kendarat intro by bubu safi to her uncle, i tried my best to fit in... in a way. :/ ANIWAE, as i was saying its a major wedding event, it awfully need a whole lot of human man power in this. AND I MEAN A WHOLE LOT OF POWER. it was soo tiring that by the end of the day, my whole body aches. Still does for my feet though.. but at the end of the day i get my fifty dollars. :) oh don't forget i got picked on. :( well.. im fat yes i know.

The way im typing this is as if im leaving out something "important". *thinking*

okae.. how do i put it.. i just feel so empty. seriously... i feel empty. like my feelings are all drained out. if i'm not wrong, i think i may lost the feeling about love. it doesnt mean only one kind of love that ya'll noe about- BGR. its all different kinds.

1. love of being a daughter


2. love of being a friend


3. love for allah


4. lost and tainted of understanding of someone loving me - a boy


5. my love for myself

the first one just affects the rest. i feel like something changed. im not sure if its me or my family members but i just cant get along sometimes. they've yet to see the real me and my feelings.

the second one is me who made the stupid choice. how could anione survive without a friend? i'm practically runnng away with my problems from them. that's how i will describe it to u.

the third one is basically about my iman and honesty towards my god. i have to wake up. :( thank you allah for always being there for me. thank you. amin.

the forth one is really bizzare. i swear i have forgotten how to love someone again. its like, im open to be loved but at the same time im too scared to trust it. it does hurts seeing how people fall in love and u cant seem to understand how it really works. oh well....

lastly, the fith one is basically i needed help. i'm scared that i have bipolar. coz i tend to follow my emotions that i dun realise that i'm actually embracing the pain that is actually happening to me. my negativity is like at the peak. i knew this as i read back my tweets and its like i'm sucidal. i would only realise after a few days like now and telling u this. i know i need help. but i just don't know who to turn to or where. i dun feel like opening up to my parents. they just don't need to noe my situation thats all. they don't need to know how i ugly felt, how fat i felt, how people picked on me from primary school till now, how sad i am when i dun be appreciated and i'm left all alone. its just sad. :'(

Ok now see. without all of these... i think it's wat cause me feeling empty. yes im ok in a way.. i can do normal things or whatever but i just feel that those puzzles are missing. im not so sure how am i gonna complete it but i think not in the near future. :(

~whats happening to me?

Friday, June 3, 2011
♥I'll let u go if u let me bite @ 9:06:00 AM

Tuesday, May 31, 2011
♥I'll let u go if u let me bite @ 9:23:00 AM

almost the end of may. im jobless.... :D
Wat the heck happens in my life has a reason, and i just have not found it. Annoying much? -.- well, rotting at home and make my butt grow bigger. ok i'm talkig crap arent i?
Anw.. i deleted my cbox due to nonsense ppl tagging me. wtf? anw i dun need one. who reads this blog anw right? so u ppl who are trying to spam my cbox... TOOO BAAAD!! HAHAHAH!!!
i miss my drama peeps very much. i hope im able to meet them later in the afternoon.. wish me luck :D oh!!! ILOVENURSAFITRI heheh.. yea she did that to her bloggeh.. :)

~saya syg awk safi. saya tk heran awak jasman. saya rindu mereka drama

Monday, May 9, 2011
♥I'll let u go if u let me bite @ 2:17:00 AM

its 2 am in the morning and i sucks that i cant sleep even im sleepy and its hot. hot hot weather.

it was mother's day yesterday. The worst mother's day that i've had in my entire life. the best part was i was having my period at the same time. Cramps are really killing me. i've got no plans at first but decided to order pizza just a small eat together. AT LEAST I HAVE THE THOUGHT TO DO SOMETHING. I DID WISH MUM ON FB AS WELL TO SUM IT UP. but it has always to be some other people who has to ruin the fu*king day. i gt the cramps and had to rest to make it go away. well i took a nap for 2 hrs. other other hand, other ppl in the family has no initiative t even do sumthin. they still waiting for me. sister has alwaes made the lappy the world and nt even care bt ther things in her life. that suck. i guess by then, mum gt upset and roam ard tampines while other mums are celebrating. i was soooooo upset buy my family actions. it seems as if no one care. i will not say wasnt in the rong as well and wont give reasons. but can other ppl in this house have the fing initiative or sumthin???!! most importantly to my sis. wat is she doing?! i hate her for this. at least give mum a simple present or sumthin. she didnt. IM PISSED OFF WITH HER. dammit.
mum gt home and i ask where she'd been.. a bitter response was expected. i was boiling potatoes at that point of time. i cried. i really dunnot want her to think i dun care about her. she is my one and only mother. other ppl have to ruin it plus my period. i cried n cried till sobbing worsen the whole crying part. they try to ask me to all the food but my appetite gone. i ate halfway and i stoped. i went in my room n just twit watever was in my heart. nt long mum cme in. i dunnoe wat was she thinking but mother has instincts ya noe. ya kay so everything was ok after that but im still pissed with sis.
Im sorry umi for watever happened on mother's day. :(
but everyday is supposed to be a mothers day to me.

~pms sucks

Tuesday, April 12, 2011
♥I'll let u go if u let me bite @ 9:33:00 AM

i'm not quite sure how i would say this but i shall speak my mind. i woke up today and i was feeling all groggy... i slept at 1 am reading this book i borrowed at the library. review from me was it was ok. sumthin different, its abt online relationship, heh i always reading sumthin oh so dark... moving on, i decide to get lappy and check fb since i didnt the whole day ystdy.. i open up and saw i had a message. the first thing came to my mind was a guy.. what does he want.. and little did noe that i was expecting danny. -.- but... it was from my mum. she sent a video with a short msg.. "with love" hmm.. when i started to see the video, i started sobing.. adding the bad flu i had. i feel so bad. it was a touching video... i dunnow hw to describe the feeling. mum actally send me that video and it finally made me cry. i've whinning to atiqah that i wanna cry so badly but nt quite sure what the reason was.. ok mayb this is the reason... :/ im feeling lonelier then ever. really even i noe i have frens around. they dunt reall noe what im hiding inside. i dunnow how to explain it to them. but i believe from the songs that im listenning to and by typing out my words.. it somehow explains how i feel. just one thing. no one will notice me. no point. back to square one. *sigh* life has to go on even u see shadows behind u whispering abt a person and you noe its u. ~i'm living in silence

Tuesday, April 5, 2011
♥I'll let u go if u let me bite @ 8:54:00 PM

i'm not quite sure what the heck is wrong with me. I think, its been 2 weeks since my attitude is so fucked up. I can say that what my actions should be rude. All i care was me. So? i think its a phase that i'm going thru. I just can't be bothered by everything. i used to be called as the problem runner. yea. i runaway from my probs. _l_ mum is pissed with me i guess. watever. all of these crap is due to my exam results. im just as useless as that results. so be it. i dun care. i dun care!

Saturday, April 2, 2011
♥I'll let u go if u let me bite @ 9:13:00 AM